actually, I'm a sock model
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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