The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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