I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
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