so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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