Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
