New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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