my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
