A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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