quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
