I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
