one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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