we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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