she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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