i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
