when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
