chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I smell like Dick and happiness
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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