If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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