Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize