My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
