and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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