Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
