I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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