Please, let me fuck your mom
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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