Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
