my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
