it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
