i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize