he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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