yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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