The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
