I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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