I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
