My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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