my room smells like sperm. sweet.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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