I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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