the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
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