he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
