I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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