Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Randomize
