I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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