You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
