So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
