Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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