My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
