He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I touched a dick in church today
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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