I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Randomize