Fine. I'll sleep in my office
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
