Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
FUCK WHALES
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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