Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
