The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize