gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
