I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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