Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize