I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
