i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
