i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize