Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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