I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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