I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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