I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
These tits shall not be calmed
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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