If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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